Part of me worries that my healing is tied to my willingness and ability to forgive, and let things be. And yet, each morning i wake up and pray for forgiveness, even as i forgive those who have trespassed against me.
Then i tell God that it is really hard to extend that to him sha.
What am i on about it?
My last few status updates on crack... sorry, facebook give an inkling.
I have gone all mad at the 'nice guy'. You know.
You grow up hating so called bastards. Then you think men are just.. well, men!
Then you meet a nice guy and it's alright. And then you delude yourself and say stuff like,
'Once you go nice, you can never go back'.
I am here at my cynical best to inform you that nice guys can be even worse. So never let your guard down cos when you least expect it..with the least likely suspect...you will find yourself sharing a very public heart (ache?) with the world.
I wish my blog was anonymous.
And i wish it was not linked with my facebook notes.
Cos here i am, wanting to wear my heart on my sleeve in this online diary, wanting to vent and all, and yet i am worried.
I did try not to do anything.
Tried to pretend i was fine.
Even wore a dress to Taruwa.
Tried to convince myself that if i looked good, i would feel good.
Then of course, i saw him, and my world came crashing.
I suppose you can never delude yourself into believing you are over someone, till you see them in a public place (possibly where you both met), and can exist.
For as long as seeing them causes you to either laugh a little too loud so they know you are doing just fine without them, or causes you to walk out during performances cos you want to cry a bit, or curses you to not even talk to your best friend, or the people you love cos they are afterall, all men as well..
you. aint. over. him.
Now, if i told you the story of 'him' ehn, you could laugh at me.
You would wonder why i am letting something so short and insignificant, get to me.
He doesn't get it either.
When he gets all self-righteous and takes on a role of a love martyr, he truly wonders what he did so wrong.
I mean, would he be the first guy to say he wasn't ready? That he needed time? That he wanted to somehow, even though Pandora's box had been opened, stay just friends?
What did he do that was so bad sef?
Abeg Tosyn, FREE HIM!!!
Honestly, you may not get it either!
But you see, the first time i loved and lost, it was with someone i never even dated, and didn't know for long.
But still, he became a legend.
Cos it took seven years to get over him.
At some point when i was sitting down randomly in class in Law School, i realised i had to find closure, or i would be rooted to the same spot for the rest of my life.
So i got over him.
Seven years later.
So if it takes me a little time to get over this one (Supposed. Nice. Guy. Now. Annoying. One), then so be it.
Thank you to those who introduced me to COLBIE CAILLAT, once again.
Her songs capture how i feel perfectly.
Sometimes, it seems i am telling him that if he just realises what i just realise, then we could be happy together. Other times, i realise it is a battle.
I also love Alanis. Cos she said it well when she says she thought we could be happy together.
But we are not.
So here i am.
Up in the middle of the night.
And hoping this helps.
Here is a toast to all those who love and get it right!